Friday, February 15, 2008

Moving day…

Just a heads up, The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort is relocating to Baseball Digest Daily. I’ll be moving as much of the archive as is feasible (I don't know if some of the charts will take in their content management system). The good folks are trusting me not to trash the joint (silly them) so it’ll still be me being me there. For those of you who were hoping for an improvement, well…

Sorry for taking so long to make it official but do you have any idea how many “Best Regards” I had to pack up and move?

I enjoy blogging, I enjoy the blogging efforts of guys like Dave Rouleau, Pete Toms, Jon Hale etc. The opportunity to blog with them strikes me as being still more enjoyable and I’ve been told fellow Tim Raines “Dweeb Team” member Neate Sager is due any minute now.

How can I resist?

Heck, BDD head honcho Joe Hamrahi set aside my own little corner (where I won’t be bothering the people actually trying to be productive) where I can get into my usual mischief.

So, if you’ve bookmarked this location--well shame on you. Since you’ve fallen so far as to do this I guess I can give you a new link to do likewise:

The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort. I have expelled three rounds of synaptic flatulence there already and they’ve opened the doors, windows and bus ports to clear the air.

I look forward to seeing you at the new digs.

Best Regards


Sunday, February 10, 2008

A rant...

...and it is a doozy.

Every so often, I come across a phrase as it pertains to professional athletes and it is like nails on a chalkboard. This time it showed up in an International Herald Tribune column about Roger Clemens:

“Clemens has already been convicted in the court of public opinion by a public sick of overpaid sports heroes who cheat, and it doesn't help that every time he opens his mouth he looks like he is lying.” (bolding mine)

I want you to stop and think about something. When a free agent player leaves a team to go to another the media will, often at the former team’s instigation, decry the lack of loyalty demonstrated by the player.

It is sick.

The people and corporations that own professional sports franchises are often among the country’s wealthiest. These people, since 1990 have increased your tax burden/reduced your public services 22 times through stadium construction/renovation and infrastructure--even the ones that had a fair bit of private financing enjoyed substantial hidden subsidies ... this of itself in MLB alone has cost over $10 billion in tax dollars since 1990 (includes maintenance, amortization etc.).

They have tax breaks that boggle the mind and reduce the money available for things like education, healthcare, social services and the like. Then they lie to you about how they’re losing their shirt. I’m gonna show you how they calculate their “losses.” I will show you how easy it is to make a $50 million profit disappear:

Did you know you can buy a major league team for half price? When purchasing a team, the buyer can claim 50% of the purchase price as residing in player contracts and can amortize this over the first five years of team ownership. For example, when the Red Sox were purchased for $700 million, $350 million of that will be depreciated over five years. This means that they can make a book entry of $70 million a year in the loss column in years 1-5.

Obviously, no real money has been lost but the amortization is counted as a loss. Adding to the fun is the team’s ability to write off the out-of-pocket costs of replacing the players -- two bites out the same apple. To use a quick example: Suppose you bought your computer for your business. Would you like to be able both to write off the purchase price of the machinery and amortize it too?

That’s what teams routinely do.

Let’s now give the Red Sox the hypothetical $50 million profit and loose the accountants on it:

$50 million profit
-$70 million depreciation
-$20 million

We can make this loss even bigger--the owner(s) draw a salary of course. Let’s pay the owner $2 million a year (don’t forget commissioner Bud Selig makes over $14 million a year so my estimate is probably far too low. Peter O Malley paid himself a $1 million salary as president of the Dodgers back in the mid-1980's)--his salary is considered an expense the same as the players’ salaries:

-$20 million
-$ 2 million (salary)
-$22 million

We can lower this total still further several ways--one of Henry and Co.’s other holdings can “loan” money to the Red Sox at a high interest rate and the interest the Red Sox “pay” to Henry’s other companies counts as a loss. The Red Sox and NESN are owned by the same group. Therefore, how much do you suppose NESN pays the Red Sox for TV rights--especially when you consider that the money that flows from NESN to the Red Sox will be counted under revenues that are part of the determination of how much revenue sharing they’ll pay.

It’s in the Red Sox interest to be paid as little as possible by NESN since (1) it lowers their total revenues which lowers the amount of revenue sharing they’ll have to pay and (2) it lowers their profits (or increases the red ink) on the books which looks good when you need the region to build you a new ballpark or complain how greedy players are bankrupting them. Any team that is owned by a corporation that also broadcasts its games take advantage of this.

We’re not done yet.

We’ll use that $22 million total for our next trick. Suppose John Henry and Co. are in a 33% tax bracket. They can use that $22 million pre tax loss to reduce their total taxable income from other sources by $6.6 million (33% X $22 million). Here’s the bottom line--a team owner can be (using just a small number of the various tricks at their disposal) $58.6 million better off ($50 million profit plus $2 million salary plus $6.6 million tax break) and claim the team “lost” $22 million!

By the way--I’ve only scratched the surface of how they can hide profits.

When you consider that luxury/premium seating are often used by corporations teams know they can charge a lot more for them simply because these businesses can write it off as an expense. You are literally subsidizing not only the park itself but also the billionaires using it for entertaining.

Let’s use a recent example to narrow down the reason for this rant. Carl Pohlad is among the richest men in America. For over a decade he has received over $100 million (easily) in revenue sharing from the other clubs. He is getting a new stadium courtesy of the taxpayers in which he’ll reap a major revenue windfall since he won’t have to pay market rent (if anything) for using it.

On top of this, he’ll get yet another major influx of cash for this one reason--even though it was the taxpayers, the public, folks like you and I that paid for this ballpark; Carl Pohlad will be charging fans more to watch his team play in the park the fans paid for! Tickets will cost more, parking will cost more, concessions will cost more, souvenirs will cost more etc.

Due to the above, the value of the Twins will increase substantially--another major bonus and increase of capital gains.

However, a member of the Pohlad family said recently about Johan Santana: “There's loyalty and wanting to stay in Minnesota, and it varies from player to player.

Now how, in this family’s opinion, should Johan Santana display loyalty?

Santana should express his loyalty by subsidizing a multi-billionaire by taking less than what his talent is worth. It’s NOT the folks that are billionaires who received massive revenue sharing payments, a mostly free stadium worth around a half-billion dollars who will be charging the fans higher prices that should show loyalty to the fanbase by paying Santana what another team is willing to pay. It’s the guy that waited for 12-13 years to get to this point, endured long bus rides in the minor leagues to get to this point, the guy who was paid less than $2 million for a Cy Young campaign and helped pitch his team to four post seasons that earned the owner a lot more than that through fans who flocked to watch him pitch.

He paid the price, he went from an unknown who grew up in modest surroundings, did the hard work clawed his way to the top with his blood sweat and tears and now his time has come to collect his reward and he was told that if he really loved the fans in Minnesota he should've subsidized the greedy multi-billionaire who has (or will soon) received close to a billion dollars of money (through revenue sharing, tax breaks and stadium subsidies) he never did anything to earn!!

That is so sick and so wrong. Think about it--why should a guy who grew up in Venezuela feel that loyalty means subsidizing one of the richest men in a foreign country? Does that make any kind of logical sense in any other context?

Johan Santana and other high salaried players aren’t the reason we’re paying more to follow the game we love. They get that salary because of the revenues the game generates. Team owners will charge the maximum they think they can for everything from peanuts to luxury suites. The Twins don’t have to pay Johan Santana his $20+ million a year--do you think the Pohlad family will take those savings and reduce ticket prices this year? Better still, do you think it means that it will cost the same to attend a game at the new park since they don’t have to pay Johan Santana’s contract?

No. Chance. In. HELL.

The cost will go up because teams think we’ll pay up--it’s that simple.

If you think that player salaries affect the price of attending a game then round up 20 friends and treat them to the NCAA Final Four this spring. You can afford it--it’ll be cheap, the players are freakin' amateurs! Heck, promise your posse that you’ll be attending it every year from now on--it’s dirt cheap the players don’t get paid!

What? Do you mean to tell me it will be too expensive?


It’s too expensive because the NCAA, the sponsors, the colleges involved (or whoever sets prices) charges based on the maximum they think they can and still sell the maximum number of tickets. That goes for MLB prices including beer, hats, popcorn and pizza--they will charge the most they can without affecting sales negatively.

This is why I get all riled up when I read somebody complaining about “overpaid athletes.” When I see that all I can think is that some idiot feels that the Carl Pohlads, the Jeffrey Lorias, the Jerry Reinsdorfs of the sport should get more money that somebody else earned. Or that persons who have picked your pocket of tax dollars, gouged you at the box office, made you pay more to watch on T.V., gouged you at the concession stands shouldn’t show you loyalty by keeping your favourite player. Further, these people used every trick and turn available to increase the time it takes for a player to be able to sell his services on the open market.

When the time finally comes, the guy who spent the time developing their skills, endured a minor league apprenticeship, put his body on the line day in and day out year in and year out and it is finally the moment to collect the reward. To hear or read that at this moment the player should make a demonstration of loyalty by subsidizing the person who is among the country’s wealthiest, that did everything in their power to postpone this day, that gouged the fan and taxpayer alike makes me see red.

Never forget this--when a player does show this type of loyalty and accepts less the cost of games doesn’t go down, your cable bill or taxes aren't lessened. What happens is the fat cat sitting in the owner’s box has himself a nice little windfall at the player’s expense. He would cheerfully thumb his nose at your loyalties by simply letting your favourite player go elsewhere and gleefully reflect on how a little media manipulation and a gullible public means more free money. Best of all, when an opportunity to make a little more money comes along--the player’s loyalty will not be reciprocated. When the player’s skill erodes and a better option is available we’ll forget the loyalty he showed and clamour for the better option.

Overpaid players?

Hey, they may be all about the money but when all is said and done that’s all they can really come away from the game with--folks are only loyal to them when they get something in return. We often show a shocking lack of loyalty ourselves when a player no longer produces.

We. Want. Somebody. Else.

We’re loyal to laundry--not the men in the laundry. Let’s stop expecting them to show loyalty to us because in the end all it produces is more free money for some of the greediest people in the game.

Rant finished.

Best Regards


Saturday, February 9, 2008

Don't tread on we...

I was preparing a post decrying the ticket scheme the Blue Jays are undertaking where they are giving first crack to Tigers and Red Sox series to the fans in those markets. I had worked up what I felt were rational arguments why this was a bad idea both in the short and long term.

Then I had an epiphany--I am ticked and a rational argument isn’t really what is needed in this instance. Jays fans have been insulted--been given the double-fisted schoolyard salute from Godfrey and Co.

This is our team. Not only do we spend money, we spend something far more valuable--our emotional capital, our devotion, our loyalty. We’ve been cheering for our Jays through the Gord Ash era and through year 70 of J.P. Ricciardi’s five-year plan.

In that time, we’ve seen the Florida Marlins win two World Series, seen the freaking Los Angeles/California/Anaheim/LAA of A Angels become a force in the AL West after being a farce almost since their inception. We’ve seen the Cleveland Indians reassert themselves as a baseball power, blow it up, start over and again make it to the top.

We’ve seen the Phillies, who like the Jays, had a playoff drought since 1993 finally make it back to the post season. Colorado has made to October twice since 1993, the Diamondbacks who, it should be noted, were an expansion team five years after the Jays won their second World Series, have won their division four times (including the big prize in 2001).

The Twins--a candidate for extinction earlier in the decade--have copped four division crowns. The hapless Cubbies have been in three post seasons, the allegedly jinxed Boston Red Sox have become Evil Empire 2.0 with their second World Series win in the last four years and even the Chicago White Sox ended decades of post season futility winning their first pennant since the Go-Go Sox of 1959 and their first Fall Classic since Shoeless Joe Jackson roamed the outfield at old Comiskey Park.

Meanwhile, we’ve stood by cheering and hoping, listening to too many excuses about the Yankees and Red Sox payrolls and too little accountability of those who put together the Jays roster.

And they do this? The Tao of Stieb wrote:

“And as much as Godfrey and Kevin Elster's brother are going to come out in the next day or so and spin this and say how much they love the Blue Jays fans, they don't get it. They don't get the fact that this makes Blue Jays fans and Toronto look like second-class citizens. They don't understand that this makes us feel like we're not pretty enough for them, and they don't understand why we're getting so worked up about them catting around with that skank down the road.”

Nope, I’m not gonna editorialize about this. It’s not time for a reasoned, rational, calm logical approach--it’s time to get mad and get loud. I’m gonna leave this one to the pros--the guys who can put the words together to fully convey how insulting this is--it’s time to bust heads and I’m leaving this to the brass knuckles and blackjacks of the Blue Jays blogosphere--Drunk Jays Fans and Tao of Stieb:

Idiots Let Boston and Detroit Have First Crack at Jays Single Game Tickets
Questions And More Questions On Ticket Sales
For Love or Money
Paul Godfrey is a Kitten-Drowning Baby-Shaker
Opening the Gates to the Barbarians

Let 'em have it guys--both barrels. If they want to sell more tix, be a Katherine Hepburn about it and not a Paris Hilton. Put a playoff team on the field--remember how many tickets were sold from 1989-1993? Don't whore them out to fans cheering for teams trying to keep the Jays out of the post season. They're never going to sell out by selling out.

If you love the Jays show your support--we deserve better than this sort of blatant disrespect.

Best Regards


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Mike Gill Show: Whinin' and pitchin'...

Yup, it is that time of the week again. Time to get ready for my weekly segment on ESPN 1450’s Mike Gill Show. Today we toss around the following...
  • Seems like everyone is talking about the Mets and Phillies. Are the Braves a real contender in the NL East?
  • Eric Bedard--why are the Orioles trying to get rid of him and are they getting enough?
  • The Twins have been dumping veterans left and right--is Joe Nathan next?
  • Rumours of Dave Wells coming back, is he worth a shot?
  • Something you’re looking forward to this spring.
Seems like everyone is talking about the Mets and Phillies. Are the Braves a real contender in the NL East?


I guess on general principle I will say yes. John Schuerholz is one of the best of the biz at what he does and we’ve gotta respect that. A lot has to go right since they downgraded at CF, SS, and John Smoltz is a year older. Having said that, let’s get crazy for a moment. Suppose Mike Hampton is healthy and effective (waits for laughter to die down)--that gives them a starting four of Smoltz, Tim Hudson, Tom Glavine and Hampton. That’s a nice rotation--in theory.

Further, suppose Rafael Soriano can close on a consistent basis--that takes care of the end of the bullpen. They have some nice young arms to sprinkle around the rest of the relief corps and maybe one of them can fill the No. 5 starters’ role.

With a break or six, there is possibly a solid pitching staff.

As to the offense, they have the always solid Chipper Jones. Ca Brian McCann, 2B Kelly Johnson, LF Matt Diaz will likely continue to improve. RF Jeff Francoeur--who is still just 24--is starting to work the strike zone a little better and has lots of room to grow. Mark Kotsay had some decent results with the Florida Marlins and San Diego Padres and may find the NL more to his liking.

I would put them as a potential dark horse. They do have some nice young talent ripening and maybe they might pull off a surprise. As I wrote earlier--never count out a John Schuerholz production.

Eric Bedard--why are the Orioles trying to get rid of him and are they getting enough?

A few reasons: one, he’ll be gone as a free agent (or die of old age) before the Orioles will be contending again so it makes sense to flip him for some talent that will be in Baltimore should that time come. Two, he has more value to the Orioles as a trading commodity for that reason plus he’s young, left-handed, has a live arm with terrific control and is two years away from free agency. There isn’t a team out there that wouldn’t want a piece of that. The Orioles are like the Toronto Maple Leafs--they don’t need a bit of retooling, they need to be completely blown up and start right from scratch.

An unstated reason might be that the Orioles have questions about the health of that magic left arm and would prefer a package of young talent rather than a guy undergoing ligament transplant surgery or some such thing. Don’t forget, the Orioles trainers/medical personnel are historically inept.

Are the Orioles getting enough? Who knows? I thought the Twins didn’t get enough for Johan Santana and nobody is entirely sure what the package for Bedard ultimately will be. Right now, it’s all guesswork. Remember all the rumoured players in the Santana sweepstakes? I don’t think anybody thought Santana could be had for that level of compensation. It’s too early to tell since we don’t know the exact price on Eric Bedard’s head.

The Twins have been dumping veterans left and right--is Joe Nathan next?

I think the Twins will hang on to him for the time being. Minnesota may surprise this year (especially if Francisco Liriano is back up to speed) and they don’t want to look like they’re in full rebuilding mode while trying to sell tickets. Assuming his usual performance, he’ll have far more value as a chit at the trade deadline(s) when clubs are desperately looking to shore up their pitching. He doesn’t have a no-trade clause so the Twins can get a nice little bidding war going in the days leading up to the deadline.

There’s no rush to deal him at the moment. They’re better off waiting until a contending team loses its closer or are having problems getting the ball to the stopper. He’ll be a very hot commodity at the July 31/August 31 deadlines if the Twins are out of the playoff hunt.

Rumours of David Wells coming back, is he worth a shot?

If he’s not blocking somebody and is willing to work cheap, I don’t see why not. He might do well as a situational lefty or a guy who relieves for one turn of the batting order. Boomer enjoys an amazing BB/9 of 1.88 in over 3400 IP and still has the nice curveball. I think he is done as a starter but might be worth a look-see out of the 'pen.

Something you’re looking forward to this spring.

Actually, here is something that doesn’t deal with the Phillies or Blue Jays. We mentioned this guy earlier--remember the year Twins lefty Francisco Liriano became injured? The man was the buzz of baseball. Electric arm, terrific command and poise--and he blew his arm out requiring Tommy John surgery. I can’t wait to see him on the mound again; if he’s anywhere near his old form he’ll step right into the void created by Johan Santana’s departure. Don’t forget--he’s still just 24 years old. I’m seriously stoked about seeing this kid again.


We’ve had some bad weather in these parts. I fell on the ice and dreamt I was at David Samson’s family reunion. I wanted to get home and they sent me on my way. I came across Otis Nixon (I think it was he, it might have been a scarecrow) and seeing my more-incoherent-than-usual state volunteered to do the sign off for the decent chaps at Drunk Jays Fans.

Take ‘er away … errrrr Otis:

(To the tune of If I Only Had a Brain)

"He could blog away the hours
Just watchin’ the snowplowers
Suckin' as a bard
And his thoughts would be screwin'
While folks wonder what he's doin'
When he gives his best regards

He'll opine any news bit
Give David-Samson some [bleep]
For bein' such a pain
With the posts he'd be writin'
His blog it would be bitin'
Cuz he gives his best regards

Oh, he would analyze
How the Jays finish first
Think the Red Sox and Yanks will be much worse
Get some feedback, the bubble’s burst

This blog is far worse than nothin'
His thinking’ is all bluffin'
He really needs a brain
This blog would be much better
If someone else typed the letters
And got rid of best regards."

Well, I woke up in time to do the following...

Best Regards


Saturday, February 2, 2008

David Samson...

If you’ve subjected yourself to my ranting over the years, you may get the idea that David Samson isn’t one of my favourite people. I think that assessment is a little harsh; he’s definitely among my top six billion favourites.

Some people think I hate the Marlins because of it … not so. I hate what he did to Montreal and I feel badly for Fish fans and pray they enjoy a happier ending than we Expos fans had. I thought I would devote this post to the reasons why I don’t like David Samson.

Paris Hilton was bad enough, but the lurid David Samson/Joyce DeWitt video on the internet was worse.

Turns out, Dewitt has been active since "Three's Company." In fact, she has gotten involved in both politics and education. It turns out (judging by the locale of this shot) that Samson was looking at consummating more than one, er ... relationship.

Samson was wondering why his presentation hadn't gone well. He practiced long and hard in front of the bathroom mirror with the family pet as an audience. The feline gave Samson's performance mixed reviews.

Our intrepid hero was certain that he explained the business arrangement that was to be expected should the region finance a new ballpark. It had been a model in city after city since Bud Selig had been named acting interim commissioner-for-life after the ouster of Fay Vincent.

The thing is, he had gotten both Selig and Jeffrey Loria to help prepare the presentation. They had gone over the details for weeks to insure that South Florida understood that they wished for them to be a part of things willingly.

When it came time for Samson's part of the presentation, he made it a point to be persuasive, subtle, charming while all the while making sure that all parties understood where they stood.

Samson even went to the trouble of ensuring that he would stand tall during the session. Thanks to the Mitchell Report, he had a pretty good idea who he had to see beforehand to assure himself that he would do it with the proper 'altitude.'

One thing he would not divulge however, is that there were personal reasons behind pushing for a new stadium. The executive offices (especially the restrooms) at Dolphin Stadium weren't accommodating for those with special needs. It wasn't about competitiveness for the roster per se as much as it was physics.

Since funding would have to come out the budget earmarked for necessary services (especially education) it was thought best for the team to touch base with the key constituents--the children themselves. Samson felt confident about his chances considering that Ms. DeWitt, when not working at the legislature, worked as a substitute teacher.

Since she was teaching the class that day (Ms. Hidenbottom was out with cellulitis that day), Samson thought it would be a slam-dunk. As it turns out--he was wrong. As he screamed for mercy as the grade 1 students started pummelling him, all Ms. DeWitt could say was "I'm sorry, could you speak up? I'm not sure I understand Mr. 'Dung-of-a-horse."

I think we’ll finally get it right!

Man, it’s getting rougher to get the signoff done properly. Ah well, it should be a cinch this time since I’ve been hanging with an old pal from the 1970’s. Not a real friend but a musical one, I was a big fan of Jimmy Buffett back in the day and he thought he’d do an old fan a solid by handling things today.

I hope my comrades-at-blogs at Drunk Jays Fans appreciate this. It’s amazing how you get a mental picture of someone only to find out they look a lot different than you originally imagined. For instance, I thought Jimmy Buffett was taller but oh well. Yeah, today it’ll be done musically again but the good news is that I won’t have to sing as well. Now, without further ado, TPoSGD is proud to introduce … Jimmy Buffett!

(To the tune of ‘Margaritaville’)

Using up bandwidth
Wasting his damn breath
All of those postings filled up with crap
Tappin’ his keyboard
Chewin’ the mouse cord
He’s better off just takin’ a nap.

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14 point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
But we know it’s he they do taunt

We don’t know the reason
He blogged the off season
Nothing to show but a bunch of hate mail
All of them just cuss
Or pass on a virus
Or tell him how his logic has failed

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14-point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
Perhaps this blog, he shouldn’t have launched.

He blew out his hard drive
Been threatened with sharp knives
And deleted a ‘Best Regards John’
But there’s posts in his system
And most blogs will diss ‘em
And the lame-o sign off that folks wishes were gone

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14-point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
But we know it’s blogspot’s damn fault
Yes and some people claim the internet is to blame
And we know its all Al Gore’s fault

What the …? That didn’t sound like you. You don’t have a high pitched whiny voice (looks at Buffett’s neck), did you have a sunburn, your neck is peeling. Here, let me get that for you (grabs, tears, off comes latex mask) AHA!! I thought Jimmy Buffett was taller!

This time I’ll finish the job!


Sorry ‘bout that folks--we’ll try again next time (grumble).

Best Regards


Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cool Ball…

I have to admit, Cool Ball’s rant about THT had more legs than I thought it would. I was the one who came across it and passed it along to the rest of the staff. It may surprise a lot of folks that no one at THT was particularly offended by it. We've gotten ripped worse in our e-mail feedback (Whaddya mean nobody else has gotten blasted yet?)

We are baseball fans first and foremost and none of us has the time or energy to take ourselves overly seriously. Do not forget--Cool Ball is a blog. What THT consists of is a bunch of bloggers who decided to come together and form a larger, collective blog/site using our diversity to discuss and analyze the game we love from as many angles and facets as possible.

To paraphrase Pogo--he has seen the enemy and it is he.

The thing the caught my attention was the implication that we are a bunch of stat nerds and nothing could be farther from the truth. I, for one, reek at math and only the happy circumstance of being born male allow me to count past 20.

I guess that counts as having “TI-83's for dicks” although I’ve never attempted (or thought of) using it for anything beyond simple addition (including additions to my family).

THT is far from a statistical monolith--we’re a diverse bunch and don’t have a THT ‘mindset’ or dominant philosophy. It’s not uncommon for us to disagree with what someone else has written. However, we view that diversity as strength. Our slogan is simply “Baseball. Insight. Daily.” and there’s everything from history (Steve Treder), the business of baseball (Brian Borawski) and whatever the heck it is that I'm supposed to be doing--getting practice for the editing staff I guess.

The only thing about the post that I took issue with were the insults directed at Chris Jaffe and Sal Baxamusa (and by extension--the rest of our stat experts). This person doesn't know these people and I find it distasteful that he draws conclusions about folks of whom he has never met or interacted. He goes from Person does X (writes about stats) which means he is Y (has these characteristics).

This sort of prejudgment is where prejudice gets its very ugly name. Prejudice is drawing conclusions about the qualities somebody has based on one’s own preconceived notions. We’re familiar with the stereotypes foisted upon various groups based on ethnic, religious or economic backgrounds. If this person wishes for his point of view to be taken seriously and his criticisms evaluated he’d be better off limiting himself to dealing with specific complaints and realizing that a few pop culture references does not equal credibility--it just means they know how to use Google.

Sal and Chris are both decent people (despite their tendency to squeal during our sacred initiation rituals--don’t ask) and, while they’re more than capable of defending themselves, I don’t enjoy reading some random nitwit blasting my friends simply because he has issues with a web site--we should be better than that.

Regardless, I’ll be checking back to see what else he has to say. I hope he can be more specific in his critiques because we do welcome constructive feedback. If he does so, his blog will be an asset in cyberspace; if he’s just doing it to show off how ‘hip’ he is (or his mad Googling skillz) and is simply being an attention whore then chances are good the novelty of randomly flinging around feces and see what it hits will get old fairly fast.

At any rate ‘tingler’, welcome to the blogosphere and I hope “Cool Ball” will become a must-read for baseball fans. I'm adding a link to your site here at TPoSGD to show there are no hard feelings on our part.

How low can I go?

First, I would like to apologize to Drunk Jays Fans but I was desperate. It’s getting harder and harder to find folks who wish to handle my post's signoff. Well, somebody did step up but sadly, it was my old nemesis, Florida Marlins executive David Samson. He demanded (1) that I help with it and (2) I build a new stadium for his team. After some negotiation, we settled on a compromise. I would help with the sign off and in
(<---) exchange, I would post his picture on my blog.

O.K. David, do I have this straight--you’re going to sing it and when you point at me I’m supposed to chime in with what is written on this sheet of paper … right?

All right, (sigh) let’s get this over with…

(To the tune of “Gaston” from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast”)

“Gosh it so thrills me to see you, Brattain
As your blog does down to the dumps
No one will read what you post, John Brattain
Best Regards makes you a chump.
No blogger at blogspot is despised much as you
It is noooobody’s favourite site
There’s no one reading what is written by you
And it's noooot verrrry hard to see whyyyy…

No one's lame as Brattain
Inflicts pain like Brattain
No one's posts are incredibly strange as Brattain's
For there's no guy 'round here half as verbose
Folks say that your mind is quite gone!
You can ask any Jon, Dust or Pete Rose
And they'll ask you just what the heck that you’rrre ooooon.

No one's been like Brattain
A pinhead like Brattain
No one's got a lamer sign off than Brattain…”

As a blogger, yes, I am irritating!

“My he is fried, that Brattain!
Give five "sign offs!" Give twelve "get losts!"
Brattain. Is. The. Worst
And the rest paaay the coooost.

No one gabs like Brattain
Loves to blab like Brattain
When it comes to blogs nobody’s bites like Brattain's!
For there's no one as squirrelly and yawny.”

As you see I've got bandwidth to spare…

“Not a bit of him's witty or funny…”

That's right! And ev'ry last post of mine--nobody cares.

“No blog hits for Brattain
No visits for Brattain
In a blogging post he’s a half-wit that Brattain…”

I'm especially gooood at pontificaaaating! YAAAWN!

“Still no hits for Brattain!”

When starting the blog, I wrote four dozen posts
Ev'ry morning to help it get large
And now that it's grown
I write five dozen posts
So it’s roughly the siiiiize of a barrrrrge!

“No one writes like Brattain
Makes posts trite like Brattain
Then goes blogging without being bright like Brattain…”

I use regards in any and all blog postings!

“My, he is friiiiied, Braaaaattaiiiiin!”

Are we done? No? What else is there? There’s still more?


Fine … go ahead.

“No one sucks like Brattain
Gets no yucks like Brattain
Likes inspiring folks to say “Oh [bleep]” like Brattain
Going offline weee’lllll soon be celebraaaating…

So now goooood-bye … Braaaattaiiiin!”

Geez …what a moron. What’s worse is that he forgot what he was supposed to do to begin with; so for the second post in a row I’ve got to handle it myself. At least when it was Jiminy Cricket I could stomp the little son of…

(light bulb goes on--brings up mental picture of Jiminy and Samson side by side and notes similarities in stature)



Best Regards


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Mike Gill Show: Santanism...

Once again, it’s time to prep for my weekly segment on ESPN 1450’s Mike Gill Show. Today, to absolutely nobody’s surprise, the Johan Santana-to-the-Mets deal looms large. Therefore, today we will discuss :
  • Santana-to-Mets: are the Metropolitans the favourite in the NL East, or for that matter the NL … period?
  • Does this give the Mets the best starting staff in the National League?
  • How did the Twins do in the deal?
  • What are your thoughts on Pedro Feliz coming to the City of Brotherly Love?
  • Tell us something you are looking forward to for this spring.
Santana-to-Mets: are the Metropolitans the favourite in the NL East, or for that matter the NL … period?

I would say it makes them favourites--on paper. As we know, the game isn’t played on paper but on the field. One thing we know about baseball is that we never know what will happen in baseball. A lot can happen over the course of 162 games. Don’t forget, the Phillies added a defacto solid No. 2 starter in the Brad Lidge deal moving Brett Myers back into the rotation. Pedro Feliz will solidify the infield defense and offer pop at the bottom the order and Geoff Jenkins--who should hit well at CitiBank--moves Shane Victorino to CF. I’d still give the Mets the edge in the East but I’m not willing to concede the division title just yet.

As to the rest of the NL--remember, the Diamondbacks added Danny Haren the Padres could catch lightning in a bottle with the low cost additions of Mark Prior, Randy Wolf and Jim Edmonds (he could be a bargain in he recaptures his health and some of his earlier form). The Dodgers added Andruw Jones and RHP Hiroki Kuroda. The NL West will be tough again in 2008.

Further, the Cubs added the much hyped Kosuke Fukudome and Jon Lieber has enjoyed terrific success at Wrigley Field (3.62 ERA, 1.54 BB/9 and 384 K in 474.2IP). The Brewers picked up Mike Cameron and retooled their bullpen with the additions of Eric Gagne and David Riske.

The Mets will have to work for the pennant.

Does this give the Mets the best starting staff in the National League?

No. With the addition of Haren, I think that designation goes to the Snakes. The Cubs should be solid 1-5 … not spectacular but should have five above league average starters with the addition of Lieber. The Padres rotation could surprise if Prior and Wolf contribute. Right now, the Mets have Santana, a question mark in Pedro Martinez and three young arms to round out the rotation in John Maine, Oliver Perez and Mike Pelfrey. It could be very good--it could be a nightmare.

How did the Twins do in the deal?

Lousy. I’m guessing that Santana decided to go to the Mets and told the Twins that he’d veto a deal to the Yankees or Red Sox. Both clubs offered better packages (including Philip Hughes) and the Twinkies didn’t even land the Mets best prospect (Fernando Martinez). I guess it’s karmic payback for the Nolan Ryan/Tom Seaver/Scott Kazmir trades. Once again, it demonstrates the idiocy of no-trade clauses. It really erodes a club’s leverage especially if they have a mega talent they wish to deal. Chances are, only a few teams can afford the required contract extension and those teams feel little obligation to really ante up since they know the club holding the player has to deal him.

What are your thoughts on Pedro Feliz coming to the City of Brotherly Love?

As I mentioned earlier, he’ll add a slick glove and might hit 30 HR in Citizens Bank Park (edit: thanks Mike!). He’s got a glove seeking laser in his right arm which will ‘help’ Ryan Howard’s defense since all he’ll have to do is stick his glove out and keep his foot on the bag when the ball is hit to Feliz.

Tell us something you are looking forward to for this spring.

I’m looking forward to see who claim two rotation slots: Who will step up and be the Phillies No. 3 starter and the Blue Jays No. 5 starter. As to the Phillies, I’m not talking about how the rotation will be set up come opening day--I’m talking about who will be the third best starting pitcher on the Phillies staff after Cole Hamels and Brett Myers. I’m discussing the pitcher who Charlie Manuel would put be behind them should they shorten their rotation come the post season (why not be optimistic?).

As to the Blue Jays, they’ve got Casey Janssen, Jesse Litsch, Gustavo Chacin or even a Josh Banks or Brian Wolfe that may surprise and fill the role. I’m rooting for Casey Janssen--he was superb as a starter in the minors and is better suited to the role. His status will be decided less by how he pitches as it will on how relievers Brandon League, Davis Romero and Jason Frasor look in the spring. If all struggle, then John Gibbons will insist of having his security blanket in Janssen handle most eighth inning duties.

“I do not think that word means what you think it means…”

I really hope my compatriots at Drunk Jays Fans appreciate this. I’m forced to use myself to handle the signoff since I didn’t have time to get anyone after my system got dinged by ransom ware.

What transpired is this: my blog got hijacked by TVT (AKA "The Vizzini Trojan" … inconceivable!) and it took some doing to get it back. When I tried to extract it I got a pop-up box stating: “If you wish it deleted, by all means, keep trying.”

I typed: “Let me explain …”

Another pop-up box from TVT read: “There's nothing to explain. You're trying to take back what I have rightfully hijacked.

I replied: "Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?"

TVT: “There will be no arrangement, and you're deleting your blog.

Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

TVT: “I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you with verbosity, and you're no match for my brains.

You're that smart?

TVT: “Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of James, Neyer, Sheehan?


TVT: “Morons.

Really ... in that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

TVT: “For the blog?” (Yes) “To the death?” (Yes) “I accept.”

Good. Then write the post. Read this, but do not type.

TVT: “I see nothing.

What you do not see is called Best Regards. It is vapid, tasteless, dissolves instantly in bandwidth, and is among the more boring signatures known to man.

TVT: “Hmm.

(I type my regards into the each post and move them around by CTRL+X and CTRL+V)

All right. Where are the Best Regards? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both post, and find out who keeps the blog...and who dies of boredom.

TVT: “But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of blogger who would put the Best Regards into his own post or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the Best Regards into his own post, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of me.

You've made your decision then?

TVT: “Not remotely. Because Best Regards comes from TPoSGD, as everyone knows, and TPoSGD is entirely peopled with dullards and lackwits, and TPoSGDers are used to having people not find them interesting, as you are not interesting to me, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of you.

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.



TVT: “Yes, TPoSGD. And you must have suspected I would have known the sign off’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of me.

You're just stalling now.

TVT: “You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my word limit, which means you're exceptionally verbose, so you could've put the Best Regards in your own post, trusting on your gabbiness to save you, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of you. But, you've also busted my server, which means you must have blogged, and in blogging you must have learned that bloggers are nerdy, so you would have put the Best Regards as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the post in front of me.

You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.


Then make your choice.

TVT: “I will, and I choose-- What in the world? Did I disconnect?

What? Where? You’re still logged in.

TVT: “Well, I- I could have sworn I disconnected. No matter.

What's so funny?

TVT: “I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's post. Me from my keyboard, and you from yours.

(We type.)

You guessed wrong.

TVT: “You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched keyboards when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a geek war on blogspot, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Trojan when a blog is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha... (thud)”

...and I finally got my blog back.

Epilogue: Both posts had Best Regards. I spent the last few years on the web reading my old articles building up an immunity to boredom.

(Yes, you just lost two minutes of your life reading that. My sincerest apologies.)

Best Regards


Sunday, January 27, 2008


I was thinking (it happens) about skunks. When you stop and think about it, calling somebody a skunk is still a wonderfully descriptive insult. After all, everybody knows what a skunk smells like--nobody ever mistakes a skunk for something else or vice versa.

Further, if you’ve spent anytime in the countryside and happen to be a canine aficionado chances are your fine furry companion(s) has decided to engage a skunk or two mano a mano. I was once walking my two dogs (both golden retrievers at the time) and noticed the smell of skunk but it wasn’t a strong smell at that point.

They ran away quite suddenly. A (low watt) light bulb went off and I took to pursuit. The smell suddenly got very powerful and sure enough, my pooches had fought the skunk and the skunk won. Their eyes were watery, they kept pawing at their noses and rubbing their faces on the ground and I set about the grim task of getting Ren and Stimpy home to have them de-scented.

Not five minutes later another skunk starting crossing the road about 30 yards away. Despite their unpleasant initial encounter, Beavis and Butthead were ready for a rematch. The final score:

Skunks 2
Dumb dogs 0

I learned a lot about skunks (as well as the average intellect of golden retrievers) that day. If you touch anything that a skunk has touched, you too will join the sacred order of unwilling stinkers. You simply cannot interact with a skunk and not come away … well, worse for the experience.

It got me thinking (twice in one day!) that MLB has their fair share of skunks. Guys who not only reek, but also can spread their stench around wherever they go. Like four-legged skunks, the two-legged variety leaves an unmistakable ‘scent’ in their wake that is unlike nothing else. For the most part, if they touch something, it’s going to stink as well.

To be a skunk, one has to be completely dishonourable. Sometimes an individual who, in the course of doing their job in an honourable fashion, might come away smelling badly on occasion. This person is not a skunk. To use an example--Don Fehr is not a skunk. He’s done some things that weren’t admirable, but he’s viewed as an honourable, honest guy who seldom acts in a duplicitous fashion. Yes, occasionally he has left a stench in his wake but that’s due to his style and not the substance of the man himself.

A skunk is a person whose very substance causes us to hold our noses.

Further, just because somebody is inept--it doesn’t mean he is a skunk. Don’t mistake mediocrity (in MLB terms) for being a skunk. Dave Littlefield is inept, not a skunk. Tom Hicks is inept, but not a skunk. Ed Wade is inept, but he too is not a skunk. To be a true skunk, one must deliberately choose to become one. There are no accidental or inadvertent skunks. If somebody makes a conscious choice to be a certain way--then he is a skunk.

Which brings me to today’s snark: Who are some of the biggest skunks in MLB?

Bud Selig The man has achieved a great many things. I even detailed his accomplishments in last week’s MSN Canada column. Nevertheless, the man has raped the taxpayers to the tune of close to $10 billion since he became commissioner. When you wonder where some of your tax dollars are going when you hear about cuts to healthcare, education etc., well part of it is from Bud Selig’s blackmailing your region for ballpark boondoggles. The total rises above $10 billion when you learn about some of the other goodies his cartel enjoys and exploits to the nth degree. He is the guy who attempted contraction, who allowed the steroid era to flourish for profit. He is the guy that the other skunks in MLB want to have lead them for the foreseeable future.

Carl Pohlad Many people strive to be rich. I am not among them. Oh, I like money well enough however; I’d hate to be in the same circles as the likes of Carl Pohlad. This octogenarian septic tank is one of the wealthiest men in America. His hand is always extended in search of handouts be it from revenue sharing or corporate welfare. He offered up his team for contraction. He tried to move the Twins anywhere the handouts were more generous. Even though he is the primary financial beneficiary of the Twins new ballpark, he said, “[Public money] is where it should come from.” He wants Johan Santana to take less so he can keep more and questions Santana’s loyalty for not being willing to subsidize one of America’s wealthiest men. It’ll be easy to tell when Pohlad’s been dead for a week--his smell will improve.

Scott Boras I prefer that the players get their fair share of baseball’s revenues. As we’ve detailed (and will yet detail) it’s better than seeing the skunks of Selig’s cartel get it. However, this man is so fundamentally dishonest in his approach that sometimes his players end up picking up some of his stench. Boras uses many high-minded phrases that are frankly his recipe for deception. An example is this: "Any discussions as to contract terms (are) between the teams and ourselves. It's clear for all of us that we're at that point now where we've got to do a lot of work with the teams involved, and we're going to keep the information and dialogues with the clubs private and confidential as we go forward."

This ‘private and confidential dialogue’ allows Boras to say “That’s an interesting offer, but I have to let you know that there’s a team with a package on the table that is right up there with yours that I’ve been speaking with recently.” Of course, the team with the similar package is the one he owns. If pressed on knowing the identity of the bidding club Boras simply states that all dialogue is, of course, ‘private and confidential.’

If a club has the highest bid but you want more, you tell them that. You just say that his client would prefer to play elsewhere so if the team wants him--they have to dig a little deeper. Finally, Alex Rodriguez has been bathing in P.R. tomato juice to get the skunk smell off of him.

Jeffrey Loria and David Samson

I can’t say it better than this: Two cities, two major league franchises, two wastelands courtesy of the two asses required to spell “assassin.” This is the scorched earth policy employed by these two skunks--the 'rule or ruin' Mongol Hordes of corporate welfare.

Got wood?

Since I’ve been going buggy of late, I thought it might be good to have someone, shall we say … insectoid related to handle the sign off. I tried Adam Ant--nope, The Tick declined as did The Human Fly, Atom Ant, and Spiderman (technically he’s an arachnid--which is also the word peanut in French if memory serves--but I was getting desperate). I didn’t even try any of the not-yet-deceased Beatles though Yoko Ono shrilly volunteered. I had to explain that I was looking for bugs--not vermin.

Sadly, the best I could come up with was Jiminy Cricket. You remember Jiminy--right? He’s the guy that kept telling Pinocchio to let his conscience be his guide, to always tell the truth (even when the Blue Fairy asks if the dress she's wearing makes her butt look fat and she turns him into a spastic colon for his honesty) but neglected to mention that mashing up Viagra tablets and using it as acne cream will have side effects.

Therefore, having little recourse, I have reluctantly allowed the bug to do the sign off and have acquiesced to his request to sing--and not write or say it. I hope that the decent chaps at Drunk Jays Fans are living up to their name--it’ll make this much less painful. O.K. O.K. a teensy weensy little tiny bit (anybody else havin' a Freudian moment right now?) less painful.

(To the tune of: “When You Wish Upon A Star”)

"When you give your best regards,
Makes folks want to hit the bar,
Anything that’s on your blog will make them spew.

If your regards, at the end, causes hate mail to be sent.
Since you gave your best regards as retards do.

Like a dolt in cyberspace, words pile up to cause headaches
When you give your be…

(checks bottom of shoe)

I’ve waited a long time to do that. When your kids are 5 and 3 years old and they play that movie 33 times in a row--it changes a guy y'know?

Best Regards


Saturday, January 26, 2008

Dis dat and d’udder t'ing…

Rod Barajas? Bill Baer of Crashburn Alley (be sure to check out his take on The Ryan Howard Situation) assesses the Jays inking Barajas thusly:

“Hah! You got Barajas! His unremarkable tenure in Philly aside, he was part of the reason why our catching corps was even close to league-average offensively. But I'm expecting more out of our Ruiz/Coste tandem in '08.”

I think that qualifies as an endorsement of sorts. The good news is that he had a career high in OBP in 2007 at .352; the bad news is that (1) it brings his career OBP up to a lofty .288 and (2) guys who bat in the No. 8 hole in a NL lineup are walked quite frequently. Barajas has enjoyed one other season of a .300 plus OBP but I think it’s still safe to expect that he’ll be a bit of an upgrade on Sal Fasano.


What he lacks in on base skills he makes up for somewhat in power. Barajas hit 47 HR over 1112 AB over three seasons with the Texas Rangers. It wasn’t a fluke of the home park either as he clubbed 26 of them on the road. He’s solid defensively with a decent arm but stolen bases against the Blue Jays are more due to the pitching staff. Benji Molina threw out over 30% of potential base thieves the year before and after his tenure in Canada where he fell below 20% in that regard.

I like it a lot better than Jason Phillips and Sal Fasano at any rate (or so I keep telling myself ... serenity now). Heck, hopefully Robinzon Diaz will make the Fasano/Barajas point moot.

I’m giving J.P. Ricciardi (a half) thumbs up in addressing the Jays depth problem. I can’t see the Jays giving over 1300 AB to players hitting around replacement level or worse. I didn’t mind seeing Adam Lind as part of that because if you’re going to stick that level of talent into the lineup, do it with those who will get something good from it--such as major league experience for a promising prospect.

Once again, I find myself becoming cautiously optimistic about the upcoming season. I’ll have more to say about that in the coming months on THT, MSN and here.

No way Jose…

I do not know if Magglio Ordonez did or did not use anabolic steroids or human growth hormone. Jose Canseco’s second book “Vindicated” means very little. Yes, he was correct more often than not in his original book but his attempted blackmail of Ordonez is low--even by Canseco’s tawdry standards. Canseco is stooping to David Samson-level low. It is one thing to try to vindicate slights you felt you received while in the game, quite another to try to extort someone in MLB while doing so.

Sadly, Ordonez’s refusing to sue this skunk of a human being will cause some to wonder if he is afraid of what might come out over the course of investigating the matter. His first co-author/ghostwriter/guy-to-spell-the-big-words for him opted out of this book project since Canseco will be tabbing Alex Rodriguez but lacking any hard evidence regarding that particular claim. I liked the line in Jon Heyman's article on the subject: "One former associate of Canseco's insisted he's not that smart, saying of him, 'He's a moron of the highest order. If he could have majored in moronics, he would have gone to college'.''


Folks should appreciate that Jose Canseco’s efforts led to more stringent testing in MLB. (I don’t like any situation where somebody has to choose between using potentially toxic black market drugs manufactured under less-than-sterile conditions and giving up their dream.) Nevertheless, he’s undermining all the positive things he did with this male bovine biological by-product.

Catching up (again)…

I haven’t posted my last few THT and MSN columns of late. Here is what you missed (lucky you):

  • Striped Delight: more whining about the Hall of Fame vote by the BBWAA with a focus on the lack of love among the 1980’s Tigers--especially Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker.
    Grumpy Old Men: again, more whining about the HOF vote. I compare the careers of Jim Rice and Albert Belle. I will be re-visiting this next Friday at THT.
  • The Pujols Awards: week 2: The second instalment of the new THT reader-interactive feature honouring the heroes and zeros of a given week. Among the honourees are Pat Gillick, J.P. Ricciardi, John Gibbons, Elijah Dukes and others.
  • The Pujols Awards: week 3: Nominations are starting to come in--I haven’t closed the ‘polls’ for this Wednesday’s edition so if you want to nominate someone for an “Albert” or a “Luis” drop me a line. This edition saw both the U.S. Government and Roger Clemens take some blasts from readers.
  • Myth-busting: Here I discuss why Bud Selig was given yet another contract extension. Believe it or not, Bud earns far more than most players in MLB. As I mention in the piece, maybe it is time for a salary cap on major league executives.
  • If you’re wondering about yesterday’s THT column (or lack thereof) it got tangled up in the machinery and was a no-go on the site. However, the post just below this one is what it was supposed to be--a comparison between Bobby Doerr and Joe Gordon based on one article in a series of them by Ben Feldman of The Bleacher Report that dealt with The Best 11 Second Basemen of All Time.

Family Values...

Since we’re goin’ all retro today the good folks at “Déjà View” requested an opportunity to do a classic sign off on behalf of my good friends at Drunk Jays Fans. I guess they (DV not DJF) know that I’m a big fan of the original Addams Family (with John Astin and Carolyn Jones) since they told me there would be an Addams Family theme to the festivities.

So, here we go …

Da Da Da Dum (snap snap)
Da Da Da Dum (snap snap)
Da Da Da Dum
Da Da Da Dum
Da Da Da Dum (snap snap)

He’s geeky and he’s hokey,
Far too verbose--not okay.
Knows dick-all 'bout the Blue Jays.
But he’ll give his best regards.

His blog’s a mausoleum.
His posts--nobody reads 'em.
It makes him want to screa-um.
But he’ll give his best regards.

Da Da Da Dum (snap snap) … weak
Da Da Da Dum (snap snap) … geek
Da Da Da Dum
Da Da Da Dum
Da Da Da Dum (snap snap) … he reeks

So take your mouse and backspace.
Thank God he’s not on MySpace.
His whole blog is in bad taste.
But. He’ll. Give. His. Best. Regards. (snap snap)

Errr … did Dustin send you?

Best Regards


In defense of Joe Gordon...

(With thanks to Joe Distelheim for tidying it up.)

Ben Feldman of The Bleacher Report wrote an excellent article entitled The Best 11 Second Basemen of All Time last week (it's part of a series he's doing dealing with "The Best" at each—be sure to click the link here and check them all out—I highly recommend it).

Since I obviously did not write a column to tell you that, it’s safe to assume there are points of disagreement. Ben wrote:
“When looking at these players, what is most striking is how similar in value they all were. Unfortunately, I have to cut Joe Gordon first. With players grouped this tightly, I can't quite give him full credit for the unknown production of the war years.”

The two issues I have are:

1. If Bobby Doerr ranks eighth, then I cannot see the justification of Gordon missing the cut.

2. Using WARP (Wins Above Replacement Player). I have never liked using “replacement level” as a baseline for assessment. It’s based on an assumed criterion ("this is replacement level production"). I find league average preferable since it is a more tangible baseline and compares major leaguers to major leaguers rather than "the best Triple-A player available."

League average is easy to determine. There are some variations in calculating replacement level.

For myself, I cannot see how you can place Bobby Doerr and Joe Gordon side by side and say that Doerr was a better second baseman. They were contemporary players who allow us to examine their careers side by side. I will concede that Doerr was the better defender, but, according to eyewitness accounts, Gordon too was excellent defensively.

Robert Creamer (excerpted from Baseball In 1941) wrote, "It seems incredible to me now ... that the Yankees would consider mucking about with their great second baseman. I cannot fathom why McCarthy ever considered moving a fielder as good as Gordon out of a position as vitally important as second base."

It was often written back then that Gordon was “peerless” defensively at second. I think it’s safe to say that Gordon could flash some serious leather.

Let’s do a comparison based on both traditional and sabermetric measures. We'll use black type to indicate when Doerr was better that Gordon in a given category in each season when both played (hence 1944-45 aren't used):

From 1938-50:
                Joe Gordon (5707 AB)                 
.268 .357 .466 83 24 7 25 97 108 -1 2.8
.284 .370 .506 92 32 5 28 111 123 28 18.5
.281 .340 .511 112 32 10 30 103 121 15 16.0
.276 .358 .466 104 26 7 24 87 117 13 13.7
.322 .409 .491 88 29 4 18 103 155 43 41.0
.249 .365 .413 82 28 5 17 69 126 21 21.0
Did not play
Did not play
.210 .308 .338 35 15 0 11 47 79 -15 -10.3
.272 .346 .496 89 27 6 29 93 135 27 23.7
.280 .371 .507 96 21 4 32 124 134 30 24.7
.251 .355 .407 74 18 3 20 84 103 1 1.7
.236 .340 .429 59 12 1 19 57 98 -1 -1.8
.268 .357 .466 914 264 52 253 975 120 161 151.1

Now, let's see how many times Doerr bettered him:

                  Bobby Doerr (6544 AB)
.289 .363 .397 70 26 7 5 80 86 -17 -11.4
.318 .365 .448 75 28 2 12 73 103 -12 1.6
.291 .353 .497 87 37 10 22 105 114 9 10.5
.282 .339 .450 74 28 4 16 93 105 2 2.0
.290 .369 .455 71 35 5 15 102 128 21 20.7
.270 .339 .412 78 32 3 16 75 117 10 12.4
.325 .399 .528 95 30 10 15 81 165 51 39.2
Did not play
.271 .346 .453 95 34 9 18 116 116 0 11.8
.258 .329 .426 79 23 10 17 95 103 -11 -0.4
.285 .386 .505 94 23 6 27 111 131 31 22.8
.309 .393 .497 91 30 9 18 109 128 16 21.1
.294 .367 .519 103 29 11 27 120 116 -1 10.5
.289 .362 .465 1012 355 86 208 1160 113 99 141.0

Of the 121 black ink opportunities, Doerr garnered 52--11 from 1946 when Gordon was shaking off two years of rust. Doerr captured 16 of the available 33 black ink in BA/OBP/SLG. Despite the differences in hitting environments, Doerr led in slugging only three times, one of which was 1946. During the years when both were active and Gordon was playing half his games in Yankee Stadium (1938-43, 1946), Doerr hit 104 homers while Gordon homered 153 times (despite having almost 250 fewer at-bats than Doerr).

In the adjusted stats section, Doerr could generate black ink in only 10 of 33 categories. In the seasons between 1938-48 when both were active, Gordon posted superior numbers in 23 of the 27 categories … three of the four times Doerr finished higher occurred in 1946.

Now Doerr is a legit Hall of Famer, but was helped immeasurably as a hitter by Fenway Park. When examining the above numbers (especially power), understand that being a right-handed hitter in Yankee Stadium/Municipal Stadium was a great deal different from being a right-handed hitter in Fenway Park. A right-handed hitter in Gordon's day was aiming at a target whimsically referred to as "Death Valley," where the dimensions were 402 feet to left center, 457 to deep left center, and 461 to straightaway center.

On the other hand, Doerr had the Green Monster to shoot at, the same wall that is making Jim Rice a popular Cooperstown candidate. The aggregate park factor for Gordon's career was 98 (ranging from 96-101); Doerr's was 104 (ranging from 99-110). In short, Gordon was shooting at the most difficult part of "The House That Ruth Built" during his time in pinstripes whereas Doerr had a career full of at bats aiming at the Monster.

A few years ago I wrote a comparison among Gordon, Doerr and contemporary second sackers using an Olympic format (I originally wrote it in an Olympic year). Put another way, in each year I noted when either player finished first (gold), second (silver) and third (bronze) in five events: OPS, OPS+, Offensive Winning Percentage (OWP), Runs Created against Position (RCAP) and Runs Created Per 27 outs (RC/27). Since Gordon played in 11 seasons and there were five categories, that made 55 “events” in my dweebish Olympiad.

Then I broke it down using four comparisons—Gordon vs. the AL, Doerr vs. the AL; Gordon vs. MLB and Doerr vs. MLB (again, I used only other second basemen).

Here were the results (I'll spare you the cheesy charts):

Joe Gordon vs. all major league second basemen: Over the course of Gordon’s career, out of 55 possible categories (11 years x five statistical evaluations), Gordon has 15 first place entries, including sweeps in 1941 and 1942 (he won the AL MVP in 1942). He had 17 second place finishes and four third place finishes. So, in 55 dweebish Olympic events, Gordon copped 15 gold medals, 17 silver, four bronze, for a total of 36 medals out of a possible 55 "events." So, how did Bobby Doerr do in this round?

Bobby Doerr vs. all major league second basemen: Bobby Doerr, in a possible 55 "events" won a total of 26 medals (six gold, 13 silver, seven bronze). Now let us narrow our focus and put Gordon and Doerr head-to-head by tossing the National Leaguers out of the equation …

Joe Gordon vs. all AL second basemen: Therefore, competing strictly against his AL counterparts, Gordon (out of 55 "events") copped 21 gold, 14 silver, and four bronze--for a total of 39. He almost swept the year before he went into the service (four gold, one silver), and in 1947 (four gold, one silver). His struggles in 1946 could be easily dismissed as simple rustiness. How did Doerr fare?

Bobby Doerr vs. all AL second basemen: Doerr finished with 10 gold medals, 22 silver, 10 bronze--for a total of 42. Interestingly, over the course of Gordon's career (excluding 1944 and 1945 when he was in the service), the only year in which Doerr was a superior offensive player was 1948.

During the time Doerr and Gordon were active, contemporaneous accounts viewed Gordon as superior. He was selected to The Sporting News all star team six out of a possible seven times, finished in the top 10 in MVP voting five times to Doerr’s two (top 10 finishes). Gordon was an All-Star in nine of his 11 seasons, Doerr nine of his 14 seasons.

What a great many people didn't know was that Joe Gordon, for decades, was the greatest home run-hitting second baseman in baseball history. Despite playing half of his games in good pitchers' parks, Gordon enjoyed the greatest home run percentage (6,000 plate appearance qualifier) of any second baseman of any era (4.43). He is fifth all time in total homers from the position (with just 5,707 AB) behind Rogers Hornsby (8,173 AB), Ryne Sandberg (8,385 AB), Joe Morgan (9,277 AB) and Jeff Kent (8,058 AB). Nevertheless, nobody popped them out more frequently than Joe Gordon.

Doerr may have played longer, but I don't think he played better than Joe Gordon. Gordon's teams went to six World Series, winning five. Doerr's copped a single flag, but fell in the Fall Classic. It's a minor point, but it does count.

If I had to pick a second baseman and my choices were Gordon and Doerr, I'd take Gordon.

Totally radical compadre...

I realize that I’m a fair bit older than the guys at Drunk Jays Fans. I thought it would be nice to give them a real taste of the 1980’s (dons mullet wig, pushes up sleeves on sports jacket and removes socks and puts shoes back on … checks mirror to insure that there’s enough scruff on the ol’ visage).

Perfect … Geez, I look like an idiot. [space reserved for wisecracks--once again, please be creative]

Now, let’s get totally retro gnarly dudes and dudettes and without further ado, to handle the sign off I have pop duo Milli Vanilli. Take ‘er away guys…

D'oh!!! (smacks palm to forehead)


I'd forgotten about that. That's the worst thing about middle age--your memory starts to go. At least Britney had a tape recorder; these idiots didn't even do that. Oh well...

Best Regards


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Mike Gill Show: Dinner at Arby's (as in arbitration)...

It’s (checks calendar) Wednesday and that means ... tomorrow’s Thursday.

No--that’s not it. I mean it is but it’s not what it’s about at least not…

Ahhhh screw it, I have the program for today’s ESPN 1450’s Mike Gill Show segment. Today we discuss:

  • Ryan Howard wants $10 million and the Phillies are offering $7 million ... who wins if it goes to arbitration?
  • Should the Phillies offer him a long-term deal and lock him up or take their chances when he is eligible for free agency in 2011 risking making him feel unhappy and unappreciated?
  • Does Ryan Howard deserve Albert Pujols/A-Rod money, something less or something in-between?
  • What is something you’re looking forward to as we approach spring training? (This will be a weekly question.)
Ryan Howard wants $10 million and the Phillies are offering $7 million ... who wins if it goes to arbitration?

Let’s see, he has a RotY award, an MVP, hit 105 HR the last two seasons and has a career line of .291/.397/.610. When you consider the mediocre talent that have been signing contracts that average $10 million a year--I can’t see an arbitrator saying that he’s worth only $7 million. Technically, a player can only compare himself to players of like tenure but there have always been exceptions made (Doug Drabek, Bruce Sutter, Fernando Valenzuela etc.) for players that have “star power.”

Should the Phillies offer him a long-term deal and lock him up or take their chances when he is eligible for free agency in 2011 risking making him feel unhappy and unappreciated?

If this kid is going to be part of the future, then lock him up now. Buy up his arbitration and a couple of his free agent years. When that contract is over he’ll be in his early 30’s and the team will have a better idea about how he’ll age.

Guarantee themselves that they will have this guy for his peak years. It’ll be cheaper than waiting for free agency judging by how revenues are growing. A team doesn’t have to pay free agent wages when offering a long-term deal at this point in his career. He trades some money for security and being set financially for life while the team will pay a little more now--by the time the contract is done (assuming no catastrophic injuries) they’ll have saved some money.

Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins, Cole Hamels and to a lesser extent--Brett Myers are the core that a club builds around. Making sure all of them are under contract for the next few years almost guarantees that a franchise is in a position to contend for the foreseeable future.

Does Ryan Howard deserve Albert Pujols/A-Rod money, something less or something in-between?

Here is where the Phillies have to be careful. Don’t forget, they have got Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley sewn up so the Phillies cannot blow the doors off when locking up Howard. If they do, the team may put themselves in a position where there are unhappy players that they may have to renegotiate with to keep content. If Howard has filed for $10 million--then chances are he’ll be willing to take a bit less than that in exchange for long-term security.

Albert Pujols could fall over dead tomorrow and the Hall of Fame might make him eligible simply because he’s been historically great. Alex Rodriguez is heir to the home run crown. Both offer their club’s more than a booming bat. Howard is more limited--he can knock the crap out of the ball but he’s got little value defensively and none on the bases. Howard cannot realistically expect the levels of compensation that guys who are already (or close to being) Hall of Famers.

What is something you’re looking forward to as we approach spring training?

This is the year of second basemen. The Phillies have Utley, the Jays, Aaron Hill (I refer to Hill as ‘Utley-lite’), I’m expecting huge years out of both of them and hopefully an MVP will be coming Mr. Utley’s way in 2008. The Jays have this kid named Travis Snider who absolutely beats the snot out of the ball. He was all of 19 last year and hit 35 doubles, 7 triples, 16 HR and slugged .525 in 457 AB. In 2006, at the age of 18 he slugged .567 with 11 HR in less than 200 AB. I’ve seen some clips of him on YouTube and I’m hoping they bring him to Spring Training just to get a look at him. His hitting reminds me a lot of Ryan Howard (including the strikeouts) but he’s a corner OF (although I doubt he’ll be playing there by the time he reaches Toronto). If he comes to camp, I hope I’ll get to see him play some spring training games.

Let’s try this again shall we…?

Well, I’ve still got Frank Grimes laying on my floor with his tongue stuck in the CD drive. I’ve been told that I cannot move him until the coroner confirms he's deceased and next of kin are contacted. It would be a lot less disgusting if my dogs wouldn’t insist on rolling in him.


However, the show must go on and the fine earthlings over at Drunk Jays Fans need to know that my post is over. Against my better judgement (which is pretty much how I’ve lived my life to this point in time) I will again be employing an animated guest to handle festivities.

Any guesses on who it is and why he’s volunteered to do the signoff?

“Well you’re really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Burn had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning I resigned my commission with the coastguard. The next thing I knew there was civil war in Spain and, that’s everything which happened in my life right up to the time you asked me to do this…”

And I appreciate your coming here toda…

“Now, my story begins in 19-dikkity-2. We had to say dikkity ‘cause the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dikkity-six miles …

Thanks, but we…

… three wars back we called Sauerkraut "liberty cabbage" and we called liberty cabbage "super slaw" and back then a suitcase was known as a "Swedish lunch box." Of course, nobody knew that but me. Anyway, long story short... is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling, kinda like…”


… where you write posts that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yel…”



Sorry, that’s just Frank Gri…

… then after World War Two, it got kinda quiet, 'till Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world. FDR beat him by a furlong, or so the comic books would have you believe. The truth lies somewhere in betweeeezzzzzZZZZZZZ"

(whispering) BestRegardsJohnbye!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Pat Hentgen…

There is an interesting post over at Drunk Jays Fans about choosing your favourite player. Over the years, I have had several favourite Jays. One guy I fell in love with at the get-go was Pat Hentgen and Bergkamp’s post at DJF quickly caused me to recall him.

When I first saw him pitch in the big leagues on a semi-regular basis back in 1992 I knew he’d be good (and yes, I have multiple witnesses regarding my very rare successful prognostication). As a kid, Hentgen idolized Jack Morris and if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then Morris should be very flattered.

They had differing styles but had one thing in common--they wanted the ball and they went into the game with the thought that the bullpen was getting the night off whether they liked it or not. I have two very distinct Hentgen memories that cropped up after a moment’s reflection. The first one was the year of the strike. The Jays were defending back-to-back World Series championships.

The Jays opened the season strong, so optimism was running high.

Back in the 1990’s, one pitcher had some serious ‘ownage’ on the Jays--Kevin Appier. Despite a .500 record against Toronto, he posted a career ERA of 2.84 in 171.1 IP. When the Kansas City Royals (who felt they were contenders after signing David Cone after the 1992 season) came in for a series in early May. Appier was to pitch the opener and would face 19-game winner (in 1993) Hentgen.

Both were at the top of their game--going into the bottom of the fourth, the only guy to reach base was Jose Lind who had gotten a dribbler up the middle after Hentgen struck out five of the first seven outs he recorded. Devon White opened the bottom of the fourth with a single and quickly stole second. Roberto Alomar grounded out to the right side of the infield and White was on third. A two out infield single by Joe Carter got Devo home.

Both hurlers continued to put up zeros on the scoreboard. Base runners were few and far between. In the eighth Hentgen struck out the side for the second time matching Appier‘s feat of doing likewise. With the Jays hanging onto a one run lead and Duane Ward out with what would be pretty much a career-ending injury; manager Cito Gaston decided to let Hentgen finish what he started.

He got both Brian McRae and Wally Joyner to quickly pop up to the infield. Mike MacFarlane battled Hentgen before getting him to swing through strike three. Hentgen turned around and yelled in triumph to his teammates. The box score said it all:

Kansas City Royals IP H R ER BB SO HR
K Appier, L (2-3) 8 3 1 1 1 10 0
Totals 8 3 1 1 1 10 0

Toronto Blue Jays IP H R ER BB SO HR
P Hentgen, W (4-2) 9 2 0 0 2 14 0
Totals 9 2 0 0 2 14 0

The other memory was Hentgen’s run to the Cy Young from July 6, -Aug 28, 1996. Hentgen won 10 of 11 starts and the only real blemish on that stretch was on August 7, when Cito Gaston needed to rest his beleaguered bullpen and let Hentgen go the distance at Fenway Park giving up eight earned runs. He went the distance in his very next start at home against Boston but this time gave up a single run.

Despite the Fenway debacle, Hentgen posted 2.24 ERA over the 11 starts and tossed seven complete games including five in a row beginning with the bombing in Boston. Going into the July 6 start Hentgen was 7-6, 4.14 ERA and was on nobody’s Cy Young radar. By the end of August he was 17-7, 3.33 ERA and very much in the hunt, a hunt that would conclude successfully.

Jack Morris would’ve been proud.

Let‘s try again…

The nice thing about deceased cartoon characters is that they can be reanimated. So, after resurrecting Frank Grimes, I have asked him to handle today’s sign off for the good folks at Drunk Jays Fans.


Is there something wrong Mr. Grimes? You don’t look wel…

Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole blogosphere is insane. Insane, I tell you! Daahh! Aaah! I can be lazy too! Look at me, I am a worthless blogger, just like John Brattain! Give me a Pulitzer! Ooh, I write like a moron, but nobody minds! I'm peeing on the CPU. Give me a job at ESPN! Now I'm returning to typing without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm John Brattain! I don't need to blog intelligently, 'cause someone else will do it for me. Best Regards! Best Regards! Best Regards! Best Regards! Oh, hi, Mr. Studeman. I'm the worst writer in the world. Time to go home to my office and blog incessantly. What's this? "CD Drive?" Well, I can stick my tongue in it because I'm John Bra…

Um errrrrr … should I call 911?

Gotta go.

Best Regards


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Making the blood boil...

You have got to be kidding me. If this isn’t Bud Selig’s favourite writer then as God is my witness, I don’t know who is--check this out

“Steroids and other performance enhancing drugs were used for one reason: Money. The better the numbers the players could post, the more money they could demand. The longer a career could be extended, the more cash went into the bank account.

Money, and only money, created the steroid era.

That means the decision to use or not is entirely a decision made by players, nobody else. MLB and owners may have buried their collective heads in the sand for as long as possible because they were making money off the steroid home run bombs, but only the players could decide to use or not use ... The players have taken to acting more like the Mafia then responsible citizens. They worry more about being called a "rat" by the miscreants who took the drugs then they worry about doing the right thing and caring about the game.”

Where do I start?

On the one hand, he says that MLB looked the other way because of profits, lavished large contracts on juicing players but says that players are entirely at fault for this? Has he considered that if owners refused to offer large contracts to steroid users it would have created a massive disincentive to use?

What he (I won’t name the writer to spare him the embarrassment) appears to be saying that when owners pay roiders ungodly amounts of money that it’s up to the players to say no. In any business, it’s management’s responsibility to set the parameters of employment. Even before drug testing came about, there was a ‘probable cause’ provision in the collective bargaining agreement where a team could--if it chose--make a case that an employee appeared to be abusing drugs and have him tested.

None did so.

If they took that step, they could offer contracts that reflected their disdain for performance-enhancing drug users.

None did so.

The New York Yankees agreed to strike every reference to steroids in Jason Giambi’s $120 million contract when it was being offered. They could have said to his agent Arn Tellem, “That request makes me suspicious that your client uses PED … the deal is off.”

They didn’t.

“The players have taken to acting more like the Mafia then responsible citizens. They worry more about being called a ‘rat’ by the miscreants who took the drugs then they worry about doing the right thing and caring about the game.”

Riiight, through all this ownership did nothing, the media said nothing, agents likewise and young men with little life experience are expected to be the ones responsible for ‘caring about the game.’ Ownership was taking a course of self-interest to protect profits. Agents took a course of self-interest to protect their level of commissions. The union executive took a course of self-interest to protect the salary bar. The media took a course of self-interest to protect access (so they could continue to earn money covering baseball) but when the players follow their example--they’re acting like the mafia?


The truly sad thing about this piece is the fact that, of the five groups mentioned, it’s the players that are the youngest (hence, least experienced and least savvy) of the lot but this guy thinks they’re the ones responsible for this mess.

To give you an idea of who is truly purulent in all this…

The public funding of stadiums in MLB has cost taxpayers probably close to $10 billion since 1990 when you factor in maintenance, amortization, interest on bond issues etc. That translates into a lot less money for schools, healthcare, infrastructure and essential services (police, fire dept., various services for women and children). Often teams, while threatening their regions claim that the area has to demonstrate that it wants MLB to be part of their community. Further, they receive tangible economic benefits for shelling out the money.

Item 1: During the contraction fiasco in the early part of the decade, the Minnesota Supreme Court ruled that the Twins' lease required that the team play there in 2002 (therefore no contraction). It was here that Selig presented his brief, in which he said: “The Minnesota Twins are a private business; they are not owned by the people of Minnesota ... they are not a 'community asset' but a business …


On March 18, 2004 Governor Tim Pawlenty floated a proposal to have state and local governments pay for two-thirds of a new stadium for the Twins. Multi-billionaire Carl Pohlad said it wasn't enough: "[Public money] is where it should come from." (Read: from folks that aren't multi-billionaires like me) …

Item 2: From the Seattle Times: "The financial issue is simple, and the city's analysts agree, there will be no net economic loss if the Sonics leave Seattle. Entertainment dollars not spent on the Sonics will be spent on Seattle's many other sports and entertainment options. Seattleites will not reduce their entertainment budget simply because the Sonics leave…"

Any idea who said that? An economist? An anti-stadium lobby? Nope, the Sonics themselves. The team wants to leave Seattle, the city wishes to retain the club. The Sonics stated that a publicly financed new arena would be an economic plus for the region. Due to that, it should be the public that ponied up the cost of their current arena. Now that the Supersuckers want to graze in greener corporate welfare pastures they’re all but admitting that public financed sports venues are just one big boondoggle for the region building them.

There you have it. Bud Selig and his billionaire cartel have picked your pockets of untold billions of tax dollars and you get diddly-squat--no economic benefit, and the region has absolutely NO claim on your beloved team. It has always been about making the rich richer at the expense of those not rich.

These people are SLIME and the writer for USA Today wants to blame player avarice for the steroid era? I think he should be a proctopsychiatrist because he has one of the worst cases of inverse rectal-cranial syndrome that I have seen in a long, long time.

We have a very special guest star for today’s closing ceremonies…

In tribute to the good people of Drunk Jays Fans, I have enlisted the aid of the world renowned children’s author Dr. Suess to help with today’s sign-off. He has asked me to assist and I am honoured to do so. Here we go…

Dr. Suess: “I am Sam, John you are, will you give your best regards?”

I will not do it, Sam-you-are. I will not give my best regards.

Dr. Suess: “Would you do it here or there?”

I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere. I will not give my best regards. I will not do it Sam-you-are.

Dr. Suess: “Would you do it in your house? Would you do it with your mouse?”

I will not do it in my house I will not do it with my mouse. I will not do it here or there, I will not do it anywhere. I will not give my best regards. I will not do it Sam-you-are.

Dr. Suess: “Would you do it for Danny Cox would you do it for Jimmie Foxx?”

Not for D. Cox. Not for J. Foxx. Not in my house. Not with my mouse. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere. I will not give my best regards. I will not do it Sam-you-are.

Dr. Suess: “Would you? Could you? For Chuck Carr? Do it do it here they are!

I would not, could not, for Chuck Carr.

Dr. Suess: "You do it. You will see. You may do it for Bill Lee.”

I would not, could not for Bill Lee. Nor for Chuck Carr, you let me be. Not for D. Cox. Not for J. Foxx. Not in my house. Not with my mouse. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere. I will not give my best regards. I will not do it Sam-you-are.

Dr. Suess: “John Sain! John Sain! John Sain! John Sain! Could you, would you, for Johnny Sain?”

Not for John Sain! Not for Bill Lee! Not for Chuck Carr! Sam! Let me be! I would not could not for Danny Cox. I could not would not for Jimmie Foxx. Not in my house. Not with my mouse. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere. I will not give my best regards. I will not do it Sam-you-are.

Dr. Suess: “Say! Alvin Dark. Alvin Dark. For Alvin Dark. Would you, could you, for Alvin Dark?”

I would not, could not, for Al Dark.

Dr. Suess: “Would you, could you, for Ferris Fain?”

I would not, could not, for Ferris Fain! Not for Al Dark or Johnny Sain. Not for Chuck Carr. Not for Bill Lee. I will not do it, Sam, you see. Not in my house. Not for Dan Cox. Not with my mouse. Not with J. Foxx. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere!

Dr. Suess: “You do not give best regards?”

I will not do it Sam-You-Are.

Dr. Suess: “Could you, would you, for Dick Groat?”

I would not, could not, for Dick Groat!

Dr. Suess: “Would you, could you, for Jim Coates?”

I could not, would not, for Jim Coates. I will not, will not, for Dick Groat. I will not do it for John Sain. I will not do it for Ferris Fain. Not for Al Dark! Not for Bill Lee! Not Chuck Carr! You let me be! I will not do it for Danny Cox, I will not do it for Jimmie Foxx. I will not do it in my house. I will not do it with my mouse. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere! I will not give my best regards, I will not do it Sam-You-Are.

Dr. Suess: “You will not do it, so you say. Do it! Do it! And you may. Do it and you may, I say! Try them and you may, I say.”

Sam! If you will let me be, I will do it. You will see.

Say! I will give my best regards. I will, I will Sam-You-Are. I will do it for Dick Groat, I will do it for Jim Coates, and I will do it for Johnny Sain, and I will do it for Ferris Fain, for Alvin Dark, and for Bill Lee, I will do it, type it you see!

I will do it for Danny Cox, I will do it for Jimmie Foxx, I will do it in my house, I will do it with my mouse, I will do it here and there, I will do it ANYWHERE! I will give my best regards, I will, I will Sam-You-Are!


Best Regards