Saturday, February 2, 2008

David Samson...

If you’ve subjected yourself to my ranting over the years, you may get the idea that David Samson isn’t one of my favourite people. I think that assessment is a little harsh; he’s definitely among my top six billion favourites.

Some people think I hate the Marlins because of it … not so. I hate what he did to Montreal and I feel badly for Fish fans and pray they enjoy a happier ending than we Expos fans had. I thought I would devote this post to the reasons why I don’t like David Samson.

Paris Hilton was bad enough, but the lurid David Samson/Joyce DeWitt video on the internet was worse.















Turns out, Dewitt has been active since "Three's Company." In fact, she has gotten involved in both politics and education. It turns out (judging by the locale of this shot) that Samson was looking at consummating more than one, er ... relationship.















Samson was wondering why his presentation hadn't gone well. He practiced long and hard in front of the bathroom mirror with the family pet as an audience. The feline gave Samson's performance mixed reviews.
















Our intrepid hero was certain that he explained the business arrangement that was to be expected should the region finance a new ballpark. It had been a model in city after city since Bud Selig had been named acting interim commissioner-for-life after the ouster of Fay Vincent.
















The thing is, he had gotten both Selig and Jeffrey Loria to help prepare the presentation. They had gone over the details for weeks to insure that South Florida understood that they wished for them to be a part of things willingly.
















When it came time for Samson's part of the presentation, he made it a point to be persuasive, subtle, charming while all the while making sure that all parties understood where they stood.
















Samson even went to the trouble of ensuring that he would stand tall during the session. Thanks to the Mitchell Report, he had a pretty good idea who he had to see beforehand to assure himself that he would do it with the proper 'altitude.'

















One thing he would not divulge however, is that there were personal reasons behind pushing for a new stadium. The executive offices (especially the restrooms) at Dolphin Stadium weren't accommodating for those with special needs. It wasn't about competitiveness for the roster per se as much as it was physics.


















Since funding would have to come out the budget earmarked for necessary services (especially education) it was thought best for the team to touch base with the key constituents--the children themselves. Samson felt confident about his chances considering that Ms. DeWitt, when not working at the legislature, worked as a substitute teacher.

Since she was teaching the class that day (Ms. Hidenbottom was out with cellulitis that day), Samson thought it would be a slam-dunk. As it turns out--he was wrong. As he screamed for mercy as the grade 1 students started pummelling him, all Ms. DeWitt could say was "I'm sorry, could you speak up? I'm not sure I understand Mr. 'Dung-of-a-horse."









I think we’ll finally get it right!



Man, it’s getting rougher to get the signoff done properly. Ah well, it should be a cinch this time since I’ve been hanging with an old pal from the 1970’s. Not a real friend but a musical one, I was a big fan of Jimmy Buffett back in the day and he thought he’d do an old fan a solid by handling things today.

I hope my comrades-at-blogs at Drunk Jays Fans appreciate this. It’s amazing how you get a mental picture of someone only to find out they look a lot different than you originally imagined. For instance, I thought Jimmy Buffett was taller but oh well. Yeah, today it’ll be done musically again but the good news is that I won’t have to sing as well. Now, without further ado, TPoSGD is proud to introduce … Jimmy Buffett!

(To the tune of ‘Margaritaville’)

Using up bandwidth
Wasting his damn breath
All of those postings filled up with crap
Tappin’ his keyboard
Chewin’ the mouse cord
He’s better off just takin’ a nap.

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14 point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
But we know it’s he they do taunt

We don’t know the reason
He blogged the off season
Nothing to show but a bunch of hate mail
All of them just cuss
Or pass on a virus
Or tell him how his logic has failed

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14-point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
Perhaps this blog, he shouldn’t have launched.

He blew out his hard drive
Been threatened with sharp knives
And deleted a ‘Best Regards John’
But there’s posts in his system
And most blogs will diss ‘em
And the lame-o sign off that folks wishes were gone

Wasting away writing his best regards
Searching for his bold 14-point font
Some people claim that it’s John Gibbons to blame
But we know it’s blogspot’s damn fault
Yes and some people claim the internet is to blame
And we know its all Al Gore’s fault

What the …? That didn’t sound like you. You don’t have a high pitched whiny voice (looks at Buffett’s neck), did you have a sunburn, your neck is peeling. Here, let me get that for you (grabs, tears, off comes latex mask) AHA!! I thought Jimmy Buffett was taller!

This time I’ll finish the job!

*CRUNCH*


Sorry ‘bout that folks--we’ll try again next time (grumble).

Best Regards

John

4 comments:

Dave Rouleau said...

Wait...are you saying you like Samson? lol

Good post.

Dave

John Brattain said...

Hey Dave:

Let's just say it's one short list that he's not on.

BTW ... I'm enjoying your work on BDD. You've got Hale and Toms as well ... nice middle-of-the-order for BDD. Time to make it a Blue Jays publication (wicked grin).

Of course, you did snatch Jon away from THT (grumble) so you buy the first beer should we meet up.

Best Regards

John

John Brattain said...

Shoot ... I just noticed--I don't have a link to BDD on the blog.

Me so stupid.

I'd better rectify that oversight.

Best Regards

John

Dave Rouleau said...

John,

Thanks for the kind words.

Being at BDD is just part of my diabolical plan to conquer the site and turn it into a BJ blog....don't tell Joe though...

Read my Doucet interview on The Biz of Baseball? He has some interesting things to say about the Loria era.


Dave